TORONTO — We must not think that everyone deals with trauma in the same way, says psychologist and author David Pelcovitz.
“Coping comes in different flavours, and we can’t be judgmental. We have to support each other’s coping mechanisms,” said Pelcovitz, a professor at Yeshiva University’s Azrieli Graduate School of Jewish Education, director of psychology at North Shore University Hospital in Manhasset, N.Y., clinical professor of psychology at New York University’s school of medicine and the author of Balanced Parenting.
Speaking at a recent lecture at Beth Avraham Yoseph Synagogue co-sponsored by the shul along with B’nai Torah Congregation and Yeshiva University, Pelcovitz said that when kids are going through a hard time, such as a painful medical procedure, they usually fall into one of two categories.
“There are the distracters who don’t want to know what is going on and need things to get their mind off what is happening, and the attenders, who need to know everything. We have to let the distracters distract and the attenders attend. [In that way] they’ll build up a toolbox of coping mechanisms that can be helpful for them.”
Some people need to talk, he said, and some people need to escape. “That is true in any family. Spouses deal differently with difficult issues.”
When children are facing issues such as death, illness or financial crisis, it’s like “they’re living on a narrow bridge. By letting them know we’re there for them, we build a protective shield around them.”
Pelcovitz cited studies that found children who were uprooted because their families lost their homes came through the crisis resiliently if their family stayed together despite the stress.
“Although the parents had lost everything, they built a protective shield around their children.”
He stressed that parents need to talk to their children “mindfully. They have to override all technology and be there. That is a key point in helping our children through stressful times.”
Youth from wealthy homes have about triple the rate of anxiety than their less affluent counterparts, he said, “because it is never good enough for them to be average. As well, their parents are often too busy.”
When kids are not asked to pitch in at home, he said, “they take, and they don’t [learn] to give back. That leads to entitlement and being unable to deal with stress.”
The bottom line, Pelcovitz said, is that we have to be there for our children, “teach them what matters, give them a voice, and light a spark in their souls. Hopefully they will be able to deal with whatever comes their way.”
