An unlikely assortment of essers, fressers and machers are launching a new kosher food product designed to satisfy the carnivorous cravings of Jews who are feeling low in protein and iron.
Marketed as Beyond Vegetables, the product is a vegetable substitute made 100 per cent out of meat.
Bearing a heksher from “Completely Farblonget,” a kosher certification agency that has never accepted a kickback, ever, the food is made out of the choicest leftover meat cuts and put through a patented new machine called the “Vegenator.”
Employing the latest developments in food science, and with the blessing of Completely Farblonget’s Reb Dreymirkop, the Vegenator crafts the leftover animal-parts into lifelike likenesses of broccoli, cauliflower, carrots and celery. There’s even a brussels sprouts setting in which the animal flesh is infused with a patented new enzyme that, when consumed, reproduces the flatulence commonly associated with the vegetable itself, making the culinary experience as realistic as possible.
“This stuff will revolutionize the kosher food industry,” said Yossel McNudknik, CEO and chief taste tester at Beyond Vegetables’s parent company, Mi Ken Brechen. “You’ll never know you’re not eating vegetables.
“What makes Beyond Vegetables such a revolutionary product in this day and age in which people want to eat better, is that our food is not only tastier than the real thing, it perhaps, maybe, could be, better for you,” he said. “Beyond Vegetables is easier on the kishkas than those fibre-filled veggies and contains much more protein, iron and other nutrients our bodies crave,” McNudnik said. “What’s more,” he continued, “it’s only fair that we use the word ‘vegetables’ in our product line after those self-righteous vegetarians appropriated the term ‘meat’ and used it to sell their flavour-flawed meatless products.”
Warming to his subject, McNudnik extolled the virtues of eating select pieces of God’s creatures disguised as inanimate vegetable matter.
“Beyond Vegetables tastes so much better than real vegetables that you’ll never want to eat that stuff that comes out of the ground covered in dirt ever again,” he said. “And it has the added benefit of filling you up so that you’re not hungry a couple of hours later.”
Introduced about a month before Passover, Beyond Vegetables has a full product line of foods that are certified kosher for the springtime festival.
“You should try our fully meat-based matzoh meal substitute, called Poultry Meal, and use it to make your own matzoh balls,” he said. “They go perfectly with our sister company – Beyond Bassar’s – meat-less chicken soup, made out of vegetables. That way, if you prefer or can’t decide, you get both food groups at once.”
For the little people, there’s a meat-based dipping sauce to complement vegetable-based chicken slices.
“For a limited time, Beyond Vegetables and Beyond Bassar are offering a family take home box – a Freilich Meal – that includes a toy prize that is perfect for either boys or girls or any gender in between. We don’t judge,” McNudnik said.
