Recently, The CJN received a number of unrelated requests to publish a guide on what to do and say when paying a shivah visit. We have put together the following list using articles previously published in this paper, as well as outside sources.
• Don’t hesitate to visit if you didn’t know the person who died or are not a close friend or relative of the mourners. Visits from neighbours, colleagues and synagogue acquaintances remind mourners that the community, not just their own small circle, cares about them.
• Do visit during the day – particularly in the morning – if you want quality time with the mourner when fewer visitors are present.
• Don’t convey condolences second-hand. Call, visit or send a card yourself.
• Do think about what you want to say before you go to the shivah – particularly what you want to say at the beginning and end of your visit.
• Do take your cue from the mourners regarding the topic of conversation and how much they feel like talking.
•Arrive on time if you are going for prayer services. Men should bring tallit and tfillin for morning services.
• Do limit small talk with other visitors in front of the mourners. It’s better to catch up in another room, or after the visit.
• Do allow mourners to express grief without trying to change the subject or distract them.
• Keep visits short unless you are a close friend or family member.
• Do offer to help if you are staying longer, even if it’s just to bring a cup of coffee to the mourners. Other ways to assist include taking children to school, or shopping for needed items. Be ready to help in ways that the mourner considers helpful.
• Do offer condolences to all the mourners who are nearby.
• Do share stories about the person who has died. Mourners often find it comforting.
• Don’t question decisions that mourners have made, particularly health-care decisions that preceded the death.
• Do be sensitive to kashrut needs if you are providing food. Sephardi mourners do not eat meat during the shivah week.
• Don’t arrive too early in the morning, or stay too late at night.
• Don’t tell a mourner what to expect or that you know how he or she feels. Alternatives are, “Some people find that…”; “You might find that…”’ or “I found that…”
• Don’t arrive at meal times, unless you are helping to serve a meal and clean up. This may be the only time mourners have with each other, without visitors.
• Don’t join the family at the table unless you are invited.
• The traditional Hebrew words of comfort when leaving a shiva house are “HaMakom yenachem etchem b’toch sha’ar avelei Tzion vi’Yerushalayim.” (“May the Lord comfort you among the other mourners of Zion and Jerusalem.”) They do not pre-empt the need to offer personal words of comfort.
• Do call when the shivah is over. Another visit or an offer to help in a specific way may be welcome, particularly if a mourner is older or doesn’t feel like going out.
Other resources include:
• Grieving… Personal Reflections, and Turning Grief into Gratitude, both by Rabbi Reuven Bulka
• To Comfort the Bereaved, by Rabbi Aaron Levine
• The Jewish Way in Death and Mourning, by Rabbi Maurice Lamm
