MONTREAL — S-e-x. It’s only a three-letter word, but as was made abundantly clear recently by educator Stephanie Mitelman at an evening for parents at Jewish People’s and Peretz Schools (JPPS), it’s a word that can still make even full-grown adults squirm a bit in their seats.
Stephanie Mitelman
Take, for instance, the questions she had parents – who didn’t really know one each other very well – asking each another: Did you grow up with “pet names” for private parts? Did you know about periods before they happened? Had you heard about “wet dreams” before they happened?
The parents got the point.
Mitelman, the only educator in the city certified by the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counsellors, and Therapists, wanted to emphasize the fact that kids learn about sex in different ways and at different rates, and from parents who might or might not be comfortable talking about the subject.
But don’t fret, reassured Mitelman, because children only want to know what’s comfortable for them to hear at any given time.
“They might know the buzz words,” Mitelman said, “but they don’t know [yet] what they mean.”
In other words, chill out, she advised, “You can’t do this wrong.”
In her frank talk and exchange with parents, often sprinkled with humour, Mitelman, who conducts workshops for teens and parents all over the country and has her own website – sexpressions.ca – spent about 90 minutes describing – and elaborating – on the “top 10 myths about kids and sexuality.”
They ranged from, “kids will pick up [on their own] what they need to know” (No. 10) to “sex education in school is enough” (No. 8) to the idea that using “pet names” for private parts is acceptable (No. 7), “to only boys touch themselves (No. 3).”
The No. 1 myth?
That the best way to keep kids from having sex is to tell them not to.
The main reason teens decide to have sex – even if it’s not a good idea, Mitelman said – has to do with self-esteem and the fact they think all their peers have “done it.”
“It makes your kids think they’ll feel good about who they are,” even if it doesn’t, Mitelman said.
She added that pre-adolescent children might not be having sex, but they do think about it, and even experiment, because, after all, “we are all sexual beings.”
But what is appropriate to talk to a child about is often a function of age and maturity. Broaching the issue by age 10 “is a must,” in her view.
In the age of sexting (sexual text messaging), Twitter and Katy Perry, “nine and 10 are the new 13,” Mitelman said.
True enough, said one mother, who spoke of attending bar and bat mitzvah receptions where provocatively dressed 11- and 12-year-old girls could be seen making out – or in other very close physical contact – with boys.
“It was unbelievable,” the mother said.
In the context of this “new landscape,” Mitelman said, a primary role for parents – and not teachers – is to instil children with their values and to recognize that their children, regardless of their age, are also sexual beings.
Parents, ideally, should share the responsibility of teaching their kids about sex, but answer only the questions asked. Questions can begin as early as the toddler years, but children don’t seem interested in the actual mechanics until much later on. Early on, mummy having the egg and daddy having the seed should suffice.
Don’t get upset, Mitelman urged parents, when children of the same age and level of development engage in at least some level of “sex play,” such as “playing doctor,” since it’s entirely normal to do so.
Red flags, though, should definitely go up if there is a significant disparity in ages or if kids display “too much sexual knowledge.”
Also, boys and girls from a very early age touch themselves, since there is pleasure in doing so (and it’s a myth that only boys do it, she added). But children should be taught that it’s something that’s OK to do only in a “private place,” not in public.
