Hashem is arriving now in a Toyota Camry

"The wheel always comes full circle," Hashem told me during the most enlightening Uber ride I've ever had

It was a typical Friday night.

I arrived at Mark’s apartment near Adelaide and Simcoe for the pre-drinking festivities just after 9 p.m. My wife, Hagit, was pregnant with our first child, a boy, and stayed at home. We quickly proceeded to make the obligatory l’chaims (customary for us culturally-practicing Jews) which eventually lead to loud, abrasive but thought-provoking conversation. Donald Trump proved yet again to be the main topic of interest, particularly now that Americans are moving to Canada in droves, before we steered toward his daughter Ivanka, her Jewishness, and (of course) which presidential candidate would be best for Israel.

“At least Donald has a Jewish daughter,” Mark said as he poured the next round of Canadian Club. “Bernie Sanders’ step-kids aren’t even Jewish.”

I wondered if it bothered the Donald that his daughter chose to embrace the Jewish faith as opposed to Christianity, Satanism, or whatever it was he raised her with. Finally, I said quietly, “I’m impressed that Trump is still close to his daughter after she converted. I’d like to think that if our son wanted to convert, we’d support him too.”

READ: DONALD TRUMP LIKE YOU’VE PROBABLY HEARD HIM BEFORE

This, however, did not bode well with my friends, despite their secularism. “That’s terrible,” Mark responded in disgust. “There’s barely any of us left, and you’re going to let your children leave too?”

We argued about this for a while, me making the point that, while I wouldn’t condone such a thing, I wouldn’t flat-out condemn it either, Mark arguing that it’s a sin to convert, even as we stood there listening to music, eating un-kosher snacks and (technically) desecrating the Sabbath. Eventually, the conversation moved on to something else, and we moved on to our destination: a quaint little bar on College Street. But what Mark said stuck with me. Would it be a sin to let my unborn son convert? Here I was touting my modern, liberal values, but Mark did have a point. And what would my parents think???

Finally, at 2:30 a.m., it was time to return home and I ordered an Uber. A few minutes passed and a notification on my iPhone stopped me dead in my tracks. “Hashem is arriving now in a Toyota Camry,” it read.

I laughed, shrugged it off, figured my driver hailed from Iran or something, and got in the car.

“Welcome,” Hashem said as I fastened my seat belt. I smiled and said hello, as my friends spilled out of the bar and waved at me. Waving back, I said, “My friends wanted me to follow them to some after-hours place. But I figured it’s time to call it a night.”

Hashem nodded. “Join the company of lions rather than assume the lead among foxes is what I always say.”

“That’s odd,” I thought to myself as I let out a nervous laugh.

“Beware of too much laughter,” Hashem, sensing my discomfort, continued. “For it deadens the mind and produces oblivion.”

Another odd choice of words,” I thought. In a bid to steer the conversation into something a tad more colloquial, I asked how he enjoyed being an Uber driver.

“It is pleasant,” he replied. “The wheel always comes full circle,” gesturing to his steering wheel.

Finding myself out of words, Hashem and I sat in silence for a while, until he said: “Something is bothering you.”

It was more an observation than a question.

“Yes,” I replied. “I’m having a crisis of faith.” Then, for some reason, I let it all out. I told him about my pregnant wife, Ivanka Trump, conversion – the whole megillah.

Hashem listened intently. Finally, he spoke.

“You can educate a fool, but you cannot make him think,” Hashem said. “But you are no fool. Deep down, you know what you want from life.”

“Well, I’ve always dreamed I wouldn’t end up a stubborn, uncompromising father,” I said. “On the other hand, being Jewish has played a huge role in my life, and I want my children to experience that.”

READ: PURIM VS. HALLOWEEN: THE HOLIDAY GRUDGE MATCH

“A dream which is not interpreted is like a letter which is not read,” Hashem replied. “Perhaps your dream is telling you that you want to be your own man, and raise your children your own way. Even so, this does not necessarily mean that you must deviate from your customs.

“Customs are more powerful than laws,” he said.

I imagined taking my unborn son to daven at the synagogue I went to growing up. I thought about him lighting the candles on Shabbat, and singing Dayeinu on Passover.

“Remember,” Hashem said, somehow reading my mind, “When you teach your son, you teach your son’s son.”

Finally, we arrived at my apartment. It may have been the alcohol, but I didn’t realize how grateful I was for Hashem’s wisdom. I thanked him, and revealed that it was by far the most peculiar, but enlightening, Uber experience I’ve ever had.

“Live well,” Hashem said as he bid me farewell. “It is the greatest revenge.”


Purim Shpiel: The use of satire or humour in publishing a “fake” newspaper article, blog post, etc. Happy Purim!