When I was in my early 20s, I was introduced to a chassidic man who was six years older. After a brief courtship, we were married. Over the six years of our marriage, I gave birth to three children. He did not provide financially for our family and we had to relocate often. We lived intermittently with my parents as well as with his parents. I put our food bills on my credit card and I accumulated significant debt.
He would stay up all night and sleep all day. He never pursued any kind of steady employment. In the evening, he would hurriedly pray so that he could go out with his friends and/or attend an undisclosed meeting. He was not transparent with any details because he believed that women do not have the capacity to understand such matters.
From the onset of our marriage, there were numerous problems. My husband would relentlessly scream at me in an extremely threatening and demeaning tone: “Where’s my shirt? Why didn’t you iron my shirt? If you love me, then you would do this for me and have my clothes ready for me to wear. This is not the way we do things!” He had constant tantrums and would regularly humiliate me in the presence of others, including my parents.
If something was not done to his unattainable and unpredictable standards, he would glare at me intensely and accuse me of not loving him. He was extraordinarily manipulative, constantly placing the onus for his abuse on me. For instance, he would hostilely question me for hours to the point that I would succumb as a result of overwhelming mental duress.
Other examples of his abusive behaviour to me:
• When I unintentionally dropped a meat spoon on a milk surface, he became enraged and threw the food I prepared into the garbage in front of all of the guests, leaving me mortified.
• He threw my challah dough in the garbage in front of my in-laws because I had failed to follow his precise instructions.
• He screamed and insulted me in front of my children, family and friends. I was extremely worried that my children would grow up disrespecting me because of the behaviour modelled for them.
• He would physically block the doorway to unremittingly taunt me in the presence of our children.
• When one of our young children misbehaved he would take them outside, regardless of the weather, and not allow them into the home until the child agreed to stop crying. I vehemently objected to this severe method of discipline, but he would threaten me and prevent me from protecting our children.
• He isolated me from friends and supporters.
I began to see a therapist, and during these sessions, I recognized that I was a victim of verbal, emotional and psychological abuse. I told my husband that he must go and seek therapy if he wanted our marriage to continue. He denied any ownership of our marital issues. My husband went for five therapy sessions, but stopped without telling me. When I found out he was no longer interested in pursuing therapy, I came to the realization that he was not serious about repairing our marriage.
We have lived in separate countries for the past two years. I asked for a get several months ago and he has consistently refused. During our time apart, he has barely contacted his children. For a while, I called him daily so that the children could have contact with him. It went to voicemail or, if he picked up, he would scream at me for bothering him.
I informed my husband of an upcoming celebration for our son, hoping he would attend. He told me that if it took place without his permission, he would hire the most expensive lawyers and make me pay compensation for years. He also threatened to call the police and tell them that I kidnapped his children, and he said he would run away, making me an agunah, a woman who has not received a get (a religious divorce) and can therefore not remarry, for 60 years.
I now live in fear for my children’s safety and welfare as well as my own. Additionally, I feel the need to act quickly to prevent myself from ending up an agunah.
I now accept that my husband will likely never change. For most of our marriage, I was harshly berated for menial and trivial matters. I refuse to raise my children in such an unhealthy and unstable environment. I have gone back to school to learn a profession to support my children and myself. My parents continue to support me and my children financially and emotionally.
*The author of this article withheld her identity
