Building off the successful tradition of White House Passover seders and Hanukkah celebrations, U.S. President Donald Trump recently hosted the first-ever White House Purim party. Dressed entirely in gold, he greeted guests as they entered.
“How do you like my costume?” he asked the first arrival, Sheldon Adelson. “I’m dressed as a real billionaire!”
Adelson chuckled and slicked back his silver wig. “I’m here as Bibi, because that’s how I envision myself anyway!”
They filed into the reception room and spotted U.S. Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh, the man in charge of the alcohol. Catering was originally going to be left to The Donald himself, but Alan Dershowitz informed him that Big Macs and well-done steaks were not appropriate Purim cuisine, and ordered some hamantashen from a local bakery.
Incidentally, years ago, Dershowitz had served as defence attorney to Haman in a moot court at Harvard Hillel. He failed to secure an acquittal then, but says it served as excellent practice for defending real-life villains.
Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, who had dressed up as Queen Esther last year, said she wanted to try something more evil this Purim. “I’m dressed up as someone with liberal values,” she
announced. Her husband, Jared Kushner, came in a very professional suit with a briefcase and glasses, but no apparent costume. “He’s going as someone with real credentials,”
explained Ivanka.
Former New York mayor Mike Bloomberg snuck in uninvited, dressed as Donald Trump. Despite height and weight differences, he really pulled off the look, with many onlookers seeing a striking resemblance between the two. Bloomberg needed an especially good costume, as he didn’t want to get stopped and frisked at the entrance. Alas, he was recognized and had to slip the bouncer $7 million.
Sen. Mitt Romney was not invited. “He doesn’t drink alcohol, the square!” Kavanaugh shouted between keg stands. But you got the sense that wasn’t the real reason.
Russian President Vladimir Putin was invited, and also came dressed as the president, drawing some nervous laughter.
“Where’s Rudy Giuliani?” bellowed Trump, looking around the room. “Quiet. He’s in Ukraine,” Putin replied, elbowing Trump in the side.
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Sen. Mitch McConnell did not seem to be wearing an identifiable costume. “In deference to the radical Democrats’ opinion of me, I came dressed as Satan,” he announced wryly.
Meanwhile, white nationalist Richard Spencer and Fox News host Tucker Carlson were clowning around and having a good laugh in the corner of the room dressed in Ku Klux Klan robes.
Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos came in looking like a high school teacher with chalk and a stack of exams to grade in-hand. “Someone who has experience working in education,” she said when asked about her costume.
Conservative radio host Rush Limbaugh entered wearing his Presidential Medal of Freedom, presented to him during the recent State of the Union address. “I wanted to honour previous winners of this award, so I dressed up as Elie Wiesel,” Limbaugh bellowed. “He and I share many values.”
Several Republican senators had put together a group costume. They appeared to be bleeding and suffering from a host of diseases, from coronavirus to the bubonic plague. “We’re dressed as people from Canada, Israel, France, Denmark and other countries that have to deal with the horrors of universal health care,” Maine Sen. Susan Collins shouted. “Yeah, we would never allow any Americans to live with the conditions of those hellholes!”
Another group costume saw a bunch of Republican congresspeople dressed as Earth, with a thermometer indicating quickly rising temperatures. “We wanted to dress up as a hoax – you know, fake news. We decided to go as climate change,” they explained.
Finally, everyone gathered for the megillah reading. “This year we have a special twist,” Trump announced. “We’re going to replace the word ‘Haman’ with ‘Bernie.’” And so they attempted to drown out Bernie’s name, but they could hear it being shouted louder and louder outside the White House by a diverse coalition of voters dressed as the future of America.