WRY BREAD: The candidate we deserve

David Levine

My name is Stewart Lieber, and it gives me great pleasure to announce my candidacy for the office of prime minister of Canada. This is not an office I had intended to seek, but recent developments have convinced me that I have an important role to play.

I won’t bore you with my background or domestic policy. As a candidate, the only things you need to know about me are my allegiance to Israel and the number of relatives I lost in the Holocaust – which, my research confirms, exceeds all other candidates.

I’m encouraged by a recent (and deeply scientific) B’nai Brith survey of Canadian Jews, which revealed that in this coming Canadian election, Israel-related issues are most important to 65 per cent of you. What a relief to see others recognize that terror is much more likely to strike than economic turmoil, and that the boycott, divestment and sanctions “movement” should be of greater concern than poverty and affordable housing – and far more important than the environment, which failed to make the list! I knew at once that I had to declare my candidacy.

You see, I’m no career politician. I’m just like you. 

Like you, I love the State of Israel with all my heart and soul. I have visited four times, and maintain several close Facebook friendships with Israelis. 

Like you, I fear for her existence so viscerally that my life is a lonely tale of dread and anxiety. I scan the Internet constantly for news of an unprovoked nuclear catastrophe. I’ll randomly dial an Israeli phone number once an hour, every hour, just to be sure things are OK. 

And, like you, I believe that I am personally responsible for Israel’s welfare, and for every misfortune that befalls her. 

Most importantly, we all know that when it comes to Israel, the worst is always just about to happen.

Our great country was founded on the values of community, charity and morality. It brings me no end of grief to watch our current leading candidates betray these values and undermine the things we love most about Canada.

My platform, however, is rooted in our shared values, the same values that inspired me to run. 

I am, first and foremost, a staunch supporter of our true country, the great State of Israel, no matter the issue or context. While we can all agree that most of my fellow candidates deserve to be tried for war crimes over their spineless capitulation to the forces of boycott-fuelled jihad, I say that even Prime Minister Stephen Harper’s rhetoric fails to match his actions. Has he ever risked the fundamental well-being of his country for the State of Israel? What are his true priorities?

If elected, I pledge to address Canada’s ongoing support of Israel through tangible and immediate action: I will divert all federal tax revenue to Israel and reassign all military personnel there. Several of our “national luxury assets” will be nationalized and liquidated, so that the proceeds can help our brothers and sisters in their time of despair, including: the maple syrup industry, all sports franchises, museums and national parks, coastal fishing rights and Ryan Gosling.

As a show of solidarity, the Maple Leaf at the centre of our flag will be replaced with a red Star of David.  

These are temporary measures, of course, designed only for sustainability until the day that war no longer threatens to erupt in the Middle East.

It has been only days since I first declared my candidacy, and already my campaign has been beset on all sides by a predictable phalanx of cynics and haters, each more anti-Semitic than the last. I’ve been laughed at, taunted and slapped in the face. I’ve been told repeatedly that my campaign is too different, too Jewish, too far outside the rules of Canada’s electoral system – but I refuse to be placated, or made to understand. I will make my vision a reality, with your help.

Please join me. Together we can make Canada make Israel a better place. 

Follow David Levine on Twitter here