TORONTO — In what is being termed a landmark event among Conservative congregations in Toronto, Rabbi Philip Scheim will officiate next month at a “commitment ceremony” for a gay couple in the sanctuary of the Beth David B’nai Israel Beth Am Synagogue.

The service will fall short of a halachically sanctioned marriage, but it will acknowledge the couple’s commitment to each other and to live Jewish lives in the Jewish community, said Rabbi Scheim, Beth David’s spiritual leader.

“I am performing a commitment ceremony,” Rabbi Scheim said. “It recognizes their commitment to each other and it recognizes their decision to make a strong Jewish connection and a strong Jewish community connection.”

Visually, the service for Josh Scheinert, 31, and Mark Friedman, 26, will resemble a traditional Jewish wedding, because of the venue, the presence of a chupah (canopy), and the breaking of a glass, which marks the conclusion of the formal ceremony. Kosher food will be served, Rabbi Scheim said. But the service won’t include the traditional blessings, though substitute biblical verses will be read along with appropriate poetic verses. The ketubah (marriage contract) is also non-traditional.

“It is a parallel, but it is different,” he said.

Rabbi Scheim said in crafting the service, he is relying in part on a text prepared by the Conservative Rabbinical Assembly, which has given the green light to same sex commitment ceremonies.

Gay marriage is an issue that has divided the Jewish world. Orthodox congregations do not permit them while marriage ceremonies are performed in Reform temples.

“What I’m doing is centrist in a wider movement… In Toronto, it is groundbreaking,” Rabbi Scheim said.

Ironically, Rabbi Scheim voted against gay commitment ceremonies eight years ago when he served as part of the Rabbinical Assembly’s committee on Jewish law and standards. 

But since then, he’s changed his mind.

“As I get older, I didn’t want to find a way to say ‘no’ to people who really wanted that connection [to the Jewish community]. I wanted a way to say ‘yes.’”

“I wanted to follow Halachah and bring into the Jewish fold those who want to be in the Jewish fold.”

In that sense, he continued, the Conservative movement is catching up to what the wider world has accepted and what the members of its congregations want.

Rabbi Jarrod Grover, spiritual leader at the Beth Tikvah Synagogue, said he was asked by the couple to perform the service at his Bayview Avenue shul. But the congregation was not in a position to agree, because of various administrative and legal hurdles that had to be overcome.

He told the couple the synagogue is already considering changes to its by-laws and internal documents, which refer to heterosexual unions in the context of marriages and cemeteries and which could not be amended in time for their planned February wedding. The issue is on the shul’s agenda and its ritual committee is currently addressing it, Rabbi Grover said.

As for the upcoming ceremony, “I think this is a groundbreaking event. This is the first Conservative synagogue in the city to allow the ceremony,” he said.

“It’s a difficult issue, but I believe we have to do something for couples like this who want to live a committed Jewish life in the Jewish community.

“There are halachic and historical challenges to this,” he acknowledged, “but this is a reality that is not going away, and the answer the Jewish community gives can’t be that there can’t be any intimacy in their lives. I don’t think this is a tenable response. It’s the equivalent of pushing people out the door.”

Rabbi Grover, who is a personal friend of Scheinert, said he gave his most widely heard sermon of the year about homosexuality on Kol Nidre night before a packed audience at Beth Tikvah. 

“I asked the community to welcome same-sex couples into our community.”

He admits he was a little unsure how the congregation would react, but he said it has been “overwhelmingly positive.”

“I believe people in my synagogue want to accept. They probably have gay and lesbian people in their families or as friends, and they want them included.”

“The times have changed.”

Rabbi Scheim said he, too, has changed with the times. Even as recently as two years ago, he would not have sanctioned, let alone presided over, a same-sex union, he said.

“I think the world is in a different place now. Look at the acceptance in the general community. Gay marriage is a non-issue now.”

Rabbi Scheim said there was much greater push-back 30 years ago when women first became ordained as rabbis.

Scheinert understands that people of Rabbi Scheim’s generation might look at the commitment ceremony as groundbreaking, but for himself and Friedman, and for their friends, it’s just another wedding.

Scheinert said and he and Friedman grew up attending Conservative synagogue services, and both feel attached to the Jewish community.

“Judaism has been a part of our lives and we liked the symbolism of getting married under a chupah,” he said.

The couple spent the last five months in India, including a trek to the base camp on Mount Everest. They were there during Passover and brought with them Haggadot and matzahs to celebrate the holiday.

They held their own seder at 4,600 metres – the Chabad rabbi in Katmandu agreed it was likely the highest one ever – and their Nepalese guide participated by searching for the afikoman, Scheinert said.

 “Judaism is important to us,” he said. “It is an integral part of our lives.”

As for the commitment ceremony, Scheinert doesn’t feel upset that Rabbi Scheim won’t perform the same service he would for a heterosexual couple.

In fact, he prefers it. The traditional service and the ketubah that accompanies it are quite legalistic and speak about one person belonging to the other. 

“We’re really not bothered, because the commitment ceremony is more reflective of our values,” he said.

“It’s important to us to have it in a synagogue,” said Friedman. “We’re both committed to Judaism, and it’s important to us to have it in a place where the Jewish community would recognize the legitimacy of our marriage and the vows we’re going to say to each other.”

While he acknowledges that Rabbi Scheim’s involvement signals “moving toward openness and acceptance,” Friedman, said his friends, including those from the Orthodox community, “are taking our wedding as matter of fact.”

 For some, it might be considered a landmark event. “I’m happy it’s a landmark event and definitely a conversation to have, so that all members of the Jewish community feel included,” he said.

Younger people “don’t bat an eyelash” when it comes to accepting gays. “It’s not necessarily easy for my generation,” said Rabbi Scheim, who has been a rabbi at Beth David for 34 years.

As a rabbi, he’s attended weddings and funerals, and visited shivah houses. “When you see how precarious life can be, and as a rabbi you are exposed to pain, loss and tragedy, it gives me more of a sense of trying to meet the happy needs of people as well and bringing a desire for a Jewish connection when that connection is sometimes hard to find,” he said.

“I have more of an incentive now for meeting a Jewish need in what is a happy circumstance.

“When two guys want the community to recognize their union in a synagogue with a kosher meal, I think that’s great,” he said.

“This is one of those cases where it’s worth being groundbreaking.”