Dear Ella,
I met Noah last year when I was looking for a car. I answered an ad and it was Noah’s car I ended up buying. We hit it off from the moment we met.
Right from that first meeting, I knew Noah was a touchy-feely kind of guy. Even the way he shook hands with both his hands made me smile and feel at ease while making a large purchase. Fast forward 10 months and we are now a couple.
Noah is very personable and people automatically gravitate towards him. It makes me uncomfortable when he does the alternating cheek kiss to another girl, or leans in for a friendly hug.
I have always been uncomfortable with a stranger’s touch. I grew up in Orthodox circles, where men and women did not touch in public. It doesn’t come naturally to me. I tend to overthink whether I should or shouldn’t hug or touch someone. This is my problem, not his.
I really care deeply about this guy, and I don’t want this to interfere with my trust in him. Do you think I should tell Noah how uncomfortable I am with this behaviour?
No Touching
Dear No Touching,
Body language is a complicated art form. What’s natural for one person can cause distress for another. There are reasons why people react differently when it comes to their comfort with physical closeness.
Your comfort boundaries have been formed for any number of reasons: the way you were raised, religion, culture, possible body image issues, being germaphobic, or even a fear or trauma. Everyone has a natural, unspoken personal space. Many people will remember a Seinfeld character dedicated to exactly this topic, the so-called “close talker.”
As long as Noah is genuine in his warm greetings, I think you could use this opportunity to explore your own reactions. You actually admitted that his handshake made you feel at ease. Try to embrace and accept this form of harmless affection. It’s who he is and part of why you fell for him.
If Noah’s physical greetings raise trust issues for you, perhaps you need to examine why. There’s a reason you are reacting this way, and it has more to do with your insecurities and upbringing than with Noah’s outward affection to others.
Your relationship is new. Give it time and open yourself up to new feelings. You may find it’s exactly what you need.
Dear Ella,
I’m 31 years old and still have helicopter parents. They worry about me all the time and call me non-stop.
To say it was challenging growing up is an understatement. I was adopted and am an only child, so I get it. I’m their whole life. Things took a turn for the worse when I moved out last year. They are having a very difficult time adapting to me not being there and not knowing my every move.
I love them dearly but can’t live like this. Help!
Leave Me Alone
Dear Leave Me Alone,
Usually it’s the parents that need to cut the strings, but in your case, you are going to have to teach your parents to let go.
Being sensitive to their situation is a good start. At least you are aware that their intense involvement in your life is because they love you.
Take control and make rules that you both must stick to. Let them know when they can expect to hear from you and make sure it’s often to start. You can cut back slowly as they get used to this new routine. Be patient, but stay firm. Besides this being the best thing for you, it’s important that they learn to live their lives without you in it 24-7.
It’s a process. Your parents’ every thought has revolved around you for 31 years, so their letting go is not going to happen overnight. You’re a good child for caring and wanting to do this with sensitivity. Your parents raised you right.