Dear Ella,
I am back in the dating world after finishing exams for the last time. A couple of months ago, my friend set me up with a great gal. She’s not only gorgeous, but she has brains, too. I would venture to say that this might even go past my usual three-month stint, but only if she stays away from my things!
Let’s just say I am very territorial. We have gotten fairly comfortable with each other, and she now feels free to eat food off my plate, sometimes using her fingers instead of a utensil. She stays over at my place, and in the morning showers and puts on my robe. She checks her e-mail on my computer just as I am about to do the same. I have kept my mouth shut, but I am seething inside every time she invades my stuff. We have to fix this before I boot her out the door. It would be too bad, because this one could really be a keeper. Any suggestions?
What’s Mine is Mine
Dear What’s Mine is Mine,
Relationships require communication and work. You need to know how to share and how to set boundaries. I understand that you are protecting your territory and feel like she is all over your things, but if you want the relationship to grow, you have to grow, too. Not everything of yours needs to be hers as well, but you need to relax a little.
Perhaps one of the boundaries you set will be for her to ask if it’s OK before she touches something that is clearly yours.
What you need to remember, though, is that you are cultivating a relationship, and one of the fundamentals is trust. Trust happens when you both open yourselves up to each other; when you find that you want to make your partner happy by giving and sacrificing; and when you crave the feeling of being as one. Then you know you are in a loving, growing relationship.
You aren’t there yet.
Granted, this can be done slowly, but in the long run, if you really want this to work, you are going to have to lighten up. Examine what it is that makes you so territorial and see if you can work through it.
In the end, it’s about communication. If you can’t get past this, then at least give her a fighting chance. Let her know how you feel. Maybe she will care enough to respect the time you need to adjust to being a couple.
Readers may submit their questions to Ella at The CJN., e-mail: [email protected]. But Ella is not a professional counsellor. She brings to the questions posed by readers her unique brand of earthy wisdom. Her advice is not a replacement for medical, legal or any other advice. For serious problems, consult a professional. Ask Ella can now be found on Facebook.