In a deadline day trade move that caught television analysts completely by surprise, the Florida Panthers announced they had acquired the NHL rights to slick forward Paul Lungen.
“Though he’s been out of hockey for 20 years, and never played anything beyond intra-mural hockey, Lungen brings the franchise immediate credibility,” said longtime Panthers managing general Dale “The Dealmaker” Taloon. “His math hockey knowledge alone makes the team 0.036 per cent better.”
Contacted at his mid-Toronto home, where he was shovelling his driveway for the 432nd time this winter, Lungen, a longtime CJN reporter, said he saw the move coming.
“I was in Florida recently,” he said, “and I believe one of the team’s scouts lived in the same Del Boca Vista complex where I was staying. He saw me power walking in the community and must have been impressed with my stride and speed. Also that I knew what Corsi and Fenwick meant.”
“My last experience in the rink came during Game 5 of the 2011 Stanley Cup playoffs in Vancouver. The Canucks’ Tanner Glass whiffed on a shot into an open net and my friend immediately said, ‘Even you could have scored that goal.’
“Before that, I famously heckled a coach from behind the bench, telling him I had my skates in the car and I could be suited up for the next period if he needed me.”
“I played more often when I was younger,” said the middle-aged, out-of-shape Lungen. “Once in high school I was at a community centre skipping school and I signed autographs for a bunch of five- and six-year-olds who thought I was Gordie Howe. I told them I was Mr. Hooky and they must have thought I said Mr. Hockey. I later saw one of the autographs sell for $400 on eBay.”
To complete the deal, the Panthers are sending Tomas Fleischmann to The CJN. Fleischmann is expected to bring his recipe for margarine to the newspaper, as well as write a weekly recipe column.